Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day Two

Last night was not a night for sleeping. While I’ve been thinking about the blog for many months now, the reality of it hit me late last night.  2 a.m. isn’t often kind to me and last night was no exception. Panic, worry, stress – BOOM all at the same time! What am I thinking? What’s gotten in to me? And the biggest one for me....Who do you think you are???? I could all but hear my mother screaming it at me; "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" It’s a question that I heard over and over again as a child and as an adult I’ve had the deep need to try to answer it.  

My mother would be telling me (if she knew what I’m doing) that my writing isn’t good enough, my photos aren’t good enough, no one is interested in what I have to say. What she means by all of this is “Lynne; you’re not good enough because I’m not good enough, no one paid any attention to me so they won’t pay any attention to you.” This is what I’ve lived with and felt my whole life and it’s coloured my way of seeing myself and the world around me. How do I pursue my goals and dreams knowing that it will hurt my mother? This was my night – it wasn’t the first time and I’m sure it won’t be my last. But one thing is for certain; if I lay awake tonight it will be because I’m excited not because I’m stressed. 

It’s remarkable to me that I have dreams. For many years I didn’t. I didn’t know how to dream and hope and pray and I thank God each day that those days are in the past. Today is a new day, and I feel like celebrating it!

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