I've watched Brene Brown on TED, and I've read her books (they're all awesome), and I've tried - I really have.
Being vulnerable is HARD.
I'm not good at it.
Last Tuesday was my wedding anniversary and each year when it comes I want to express to Jon just what he means to me and how much I cherish him and our life together. I always have grand intentions and each year I fail miserably.
I dream about finding just the right gift that will express everything that I feel and don't know how to say. Stupid - I know; but that doesn't stop me from wishing it. I try to figure out some way to actually get the feelings from my heart to my mouth and that never works. 'I love you' seems so regular and daily and while it's true it's not enough. Next I try to think of some action that will fill the bill. Nope - that never happens either.
Every year I fall back on Hallmark to help me say what's in my heart and although they're often meaningful they just don't capture exactly what I need to say and express.
Every year I'm also inspired by the way Jon is able to do all the things I can't seem to manage. He's always creative and thoughtful. He always does just the right thing to show me how much he loves me.
This year he drove from where he was working to where my car was parked at school and left me flowers. He sent me a text telling me to check out my car and when I saw the flowers tears came to eyes and I was overcome with love. He'll likely be embarrassed that I'm pointing out how romantic he is; and I'm ok with that. (I hope he will be too).
I've been thinking about it all week - about how perfect his idea was. It fully expressed to me how much he loves me. It's also left me feeling raw and more emotional than usual. I don't know why it's so scary and uncomfortable for me to be shown love or to feel it the way I do for my amazing guy. But it does. It makes me vulnerable in a way that only love can.
So rather than hoping for one big idea for our anniversary next year I'm going to give him the gift of staying open to feelings of fragility and vulnerability every day. I'm not sure I'll do it every day but it is my intention to be present to my feelings for him and our life together EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I know this won't be easy, I know I won't be able to actually do it each and every day, I know that some days I'll want to punch him in the head and some days he'll feel the same towards me; but I want to feel a tangible connection with the man I love and the only way is through vulnerability. So each morning from now on I'll gently remind myself what my intention is and act from that scary wonderful place. I'll also remind myself that I can do this and that we're worth it.