Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Wordless Wednesday

I've been inspired by so many bloggers and their Wordless Wednesday posts I thought I'd join in. I'm thinking I might make this a regular feature...let me know what you think.

P.S. Next week it'll actually be wordless ;-)

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

This is how I feel

Photo Credit - Brad Hills

Once you start to awaken,
no one can ever claim you again for the old patterns.
Now you realize how precious your time here is.
You are no longer willing to squander your essence
on undertakings that do not nourish your true self;
your patience grows thin with tired talk
and dead language. 
You see through the rosters
of expectation, which promise you safety
and the confirmation of your outer identity.
Now you are impatient for growth,
willing to put yourself in the way of change.
You want your God to be wild
and to call you to where your destiny awaits.

~ John O’Donohue

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Making of a Personal Manifesto - Part 1

I've wanted to make a personal manifesto for ages. I've been thinking about it since I took my business management course when I was pregnant with Bradley (yes - that's right...19 years ago). I've always said it takes me a while to think things through and there's the proof. ;-)

Over the last year of so I've had a note book that I've dashed thoughts/ideas/quotes/beliefs in that I intended to turn into my manifesto. It all seemed easy and I assumed that when I was ready it would all come together easily. I was wrong. It's been incredibly challenging to get my thoughts to come together in a way that feels cohesive and real.

I think if we're asked, or we take a moment to think about our values we can all come up with what's most important to us. The first few come really easily - our families, our marriages or partnerships, probably our health. After those ones the rest take some thought. It requires digging deep and being honest with ourselves.

I've had an ongoing list of things that are important to me and as the number started to creep up towards 20 I had a realization. While all the things on my list are important to me they're not all the foundation from which I want to build my life on. My deepest values are what make me me and they're what form my life and help me to make the best choices and decisions.

To put my manifesto together I need to be very clear about what my true values are. They are the foundation from which everything else grows.

When I get it complete, my manifesto will list my values, my purpose, how I want to show up in the world, how and where I want to contribute, some goals/intentions for the coming year and it will guide me and my decisions toward my highest and best life.

I'm going to continue to work on my personal manifesto and I'll tell you how it's going as I  move through the work on it, but for now....

Let me ask you - have you thought of these things for yourself? Do you know what's truly most important to you? Do you live your life from a place of awareness and grounded in your truth? I'm finding these questions to be challenging and at the same time life changing. I love that I'm still learning new things about myself and that I can still change and grow.

I hope you'll join me in asking and answering these questions; and remember I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Monday, November 18, 2013

A Broken Heart and a Declaration

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens."
~ Rumi

I'm going to be 45 very soon and as I thought about that the other day I wondered out loud to myself how old I would need to be to finally stop comparing myself to others, or to stop worrying what other people think, or when I might actually be enough.

I've obviously wondered about these questions before - but for some reason they feel different to me right now. I'm tired of caring if I'm enough. I'm tired of worrying about what other people think and I'm tired of comparing myself to others.

I'm tired of all the bullshit that goes on in my mind every fucking day.

I've spent all these years listening to that wee voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid or useless, that I have nothing to offer anyone. I've listened to her tell me that no one loves me because I'm unlovable, that I'm too weird to have real connections in my life, that I'm deeply flawed, probably even irreparably broken.

My heart has been broken over and over again. And each time it was it hurt like a bastard and every time it did that wee voice would remind me that my heart was broken because there was something wrong with me. It was my own fault - if was a better friend, or wife, or mother, or, or, or.....

When the people who are supposed to love you the most tell you how much they dislike you, how useless and selfish you are, how you're too stupid to do anything or what a nasty bitch you are, you eventually believe it. When they tell you that you're good for nothing those words move in and they stay there. They get planted and they grow and gradually they take over and that wonderful spirit that we're all born with gets worn down and gradually it gets broken.

We're not broken - just our spirits; but eventually those tender spirits start to push and pull and make themselves known. They want us to remember how divinely perfect we really truly are. They want us to know that we're always completely and perfectly whole. They want us to know we're always enough and lovable just the way we are right now.

Right this second and in every second of our past and of our future we are wonderfully, completely just exactly as we are always - a divine being.

I've had this ridiculous question hanging over my head for years. We call it the Christmas party know the one, "What do you do?" I have hated this question my entire adult life. I've never had an answer that felt good enough.

Let's see how I've tried to answer that question over the years.

Hairstyling school
Food Service
Wood Working
Business Management
Web Development
Holistic Nutrition/Eating Psychology
Business Owner

I could go on if I continued to mention all the 'minor' courses I've also taken along the way. I've tried my hardest to find an answer to that question that was acceptable - not to me, but to the person asking the question. Why would I give all that power to people I don't know? Who the fuck knows - I'm guessing I already covered it a few paragraphs above.

It doesn't matter what we do. The answer to that question doesn't matter. It's taken me too long to figure that out. It doesn't matter what I've taken in school or haven't taken in school. It's not about what I'm studying or the jobs I've had - it's about who I am. Simple concept; but hard to believe sometimes.

I'm making the choice to believe it right now.

From this point forward I'm not going to listen to the voice in my head that replays how crappy I am and how I must be broken. From now on I'm choosing to believe that I'm a divine being who's completely whole and imperfectly perfect just the way I am - right now and forever more.

This is a declaration!

From this point forward:

I am going to believe I am enough.
I am going to believe I am lovable.
I am going to believe that I am completely whole.
I am going to trust in God and the Universe and the Mystery of Life.
I am going to live in congruence with my highest and best values.
I am going to live authentically.
I am going to release negativity and focus on the positive in every situation.
I am going to give myself permission for
        And daily belly laughs
I am going to embrace my truth and live it OUT LOUD!

My heart has finally opened and I'm scared as fuck, but this is where I am and this is where I want to be now - finally.

Of course, all this means there will be change and change is hard; but so is living with the belief that I'm broken and unlovable. This is going to be a bumpy ride and I welcome the bumps. I know I won't be perfect but I will be real.

I could go on, but instead I'll share one of my very favourite quotes.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

~ Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit